Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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