I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
