youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I smell stomach acid.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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