i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
