things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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