i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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