Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
