Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
