Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
