im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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