We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
