my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
