We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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