She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
