Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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