So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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