I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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