When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
