My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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