Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
