Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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