Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
