They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
