garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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