question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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