well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
