hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
