my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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