Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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