I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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