The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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