her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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