when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Houston, we have a squirter
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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