Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
