I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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