woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
