I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
