cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
