Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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