Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
