would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
