Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
