I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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