As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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