Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
