ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
