I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
