I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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