A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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