She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
