i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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