sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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